confidence

growing up i know i've been through a couple, ok fine, many situations where i really had low self esteem. i suffered from inferiority complex. i felt i was never good enough. i guess i felt that way throughout high school as well to a certain degree.

things have not been blue skies, sunshine and butterflies when i was a kid who could barely understand mandarin, let alone, speak it. my uncles (paternal side) ridiculed me in ways you can never imagine. yes my uncles were chinese-educated people. which explains why i grew up having prejudice against chinese-educated people.

ok get ready for ranting n cursing. i mean, come on la, what the fuck u mean you wanna protect your mother tongue by sending your kids to chinese schools. in my opinion, all those vernacular schools should be done with and only have kebangsaan schools. to me it's all bullshit. the world is progressing. we chinese people can say the other races are being stupid when in truth we ourselves (a handful) are the fking dumb ones.

dun give me that bullshit that China is rising and you having mandarin as a language skill, are able to go work there. pls la. u go China do what? business? u think that easy? or better yet, you think they fking want you? be realistic la. they don't need you. oh u may think academic wise? have you even heard about how the students in China are excelling way ahead of us. they're geniuses. they don't need you. in fact a number of the population of China are already trying to pick up english as their second language. so you knowing both languages having the upper hand? scrape that idea off your head this instant.

the thing about us Malaysians is that we know so many languages but do we ever master one of them fully? sitting for NSW or IELTS english papers, it's a clear distinction of how wide the gap of our english level standard compared to theirs. not forgetting the change in our english literature syllabus in high school which are now spoonfeeding crap into the students. what a joke. dont get me started on the change in language for math and science.

ok done with ranting. haha. i had to say it out or it'll never find its place in this blog. so yes, back to confidence.

what i really wanna say is that there are people out there who can be just so full of themselves. having confidence is one thing. being pompous and cocky is another.

i was out with friends and when i got back home i read through some irritating comments by this person. i mean, come on la. do you really need to go through all the hassle of flaming me when i really dun give a damn bout your life? take a step back and think about it la.

maybe you are smart, i wont deny it. but smartness can only get you so far. i strongly believe at some point in time, attitude trumps intellect. period. maybe now things may seem like heaven to you. boasting around what you got. i wont deny you're actually a good person. but the fact that you 'em sek zhou yan' (in cantonese which means you dont know how to be a human being) irks me a lot. so much so i couldnt be bothered anymore.

i'd be lying if i said i didnt care. who doesnt care? be it good or bad. ppl will feel it. that's a fact. i'm not gonna say superficial words to comfort myself. nah it's not me. at the beginning it was ok. it was funny. at some point it just gets plain downright irritating. it's sad that you being smart, are too stupid and shallow to even see the distinction.

i really do hope you would one day change la.

of course there's a part of me that wishes you fail or die but that would be too sadistic and unrealistic of me (i could still hope ryte? haha).